'Sir, apologies to anyone who may have encountered me running amok in Ealing's Walpole Park on January 3rd. The day started pretty normally but it turns out my flatmate, still fried from New Year's, thought it would be amusing to slip some edible highs into my cereal. It worked. Ninety minutes later and I could taste colours and touch emotions. Unfortunately, willingly doing drugs is quite a different ride to taking them involuntarily. I didn't know I got high, which made me think I was having a stroke or that I had died and slipped into limbo. Ultimately I decided I was lucid dreaming. Big mistake. If you had the misfortune of being hit on by a piss-soaked topless man who thought he could float, I can only apologise. Anon.'